Comments for A Spirited Mind

Comment on Why do we do this? by Mom

Mom — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 14:35:08 +0000

Dear Daughter with the great attitude, best motivations, and God-given desire to learn and teach! You misspelled ‘judgment”. Please write the word correctly 50 times in your spelling binder and show me when you have finished. Then you may play, exercise, or do whatever is next on your to-do list!!!
With tongue in cheek and much love, Mom

Comment on Why do we do this? by Catie

Catie — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 14:31:44 +0000

I just. love. your. blog.

I love (and completely agree with) all of your bullet points. Couldn’t have said it better. It’s so hard to not come off like, “Homeschooling is THE ONLY way!”

I like the idea, too, of assessing every year what to do in terms of your child’s education.

Our main reason for me staying home and (eventually) homeschooling is that we want our children to have a Christian worldview. The most IMPORTANT thing for us is for our children to love Jesus with all their hearts and to love other people. OF COURSE, we want them to do well academically and succeed in whatever they choose to do, but we believe that if they’re following what the Lord wants them to do, they’ll succeed no matter what. ‘Raising Kids for True Greatness’ by Tim Kimmel is an EXCELLENT book on the subject! Have you read it?

Comment on On Finding Friends by Alicia

Alicia — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 23:13:26 +0000

I agree with your line of thought Catherine, about playdates. I will say that is how I met my current friends, but the playgroup time is too disjointed to get any quality conversation in. I tend to avoid any other playgroup or scheduled meetups. Similar to what Meg said, I have plenty to do at home and when I go out, I’m doing errands. I enjoy being AT home and feel no need to be a social butterfly, meeting a gazillion moms and my kids having bunches of friends.

Oh and to you original question, I think her numbers are high with regard to the numbers of types of friends. Way too many for my life. I’m happy with 2-3 close friends, a few more casual friends and many acquaintances.

Comment on On Finding Friends by Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind

Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 20:10:34 +0000

I was in the same situation when we moved here – my husband grew up here and went to college in this state and I had already lived in 18 places in my life. I wish I had read this book then, when I had more time (though I didn’t think I did!). I think to some extent your husband can be your best friend, but it’s important to have best girl friends too, because men don’t tend to communicate the same ways we do, and it can really be a burden if we are putting all of our friendship needs on our husband. The author talks about that quite a bit in the book.

I hope the move goes smoothly for you and that you settle in quickly.

Comment on On Finding Friends by Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind

Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 20:06:17 +0000

Meg, I have been in the same situation about working and letting playdates go. But when I think about it, I don’t find playdates very conducive to forming friendships. They are kind of a lot of chasing after kids and getting scraps of conversation that stay superficial. I think a better investment is having coffee or breakfast or something like that. You’re still making an investment of time, but it’s more conducive to real conversation, at least in my view.

Comment on On Finding Friends by elizabeth

elizabeth — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:57:40 +0000

I may have to get this book! I’ve lived in four different states or countries in the last seven years and am getting ready to move again. I hope with all my heart to live in this next place & house for at least ten years.

I only made one casual/close friend in my current location of five years, and it is all her fault for taking so much initiative. I’m introverted and we are a one-car family, so it is an uphill battle. But does anyone have as many friends as she suggests??? I’ve never been anywhere near that. Zero lifer friends, and maybe one or two close friends, ever. Maybe I’m just used to being lonely? My husband and I are best friends, so probably we fulfill a lot of that need for each other.

Now looking at our impending move to Kansas, I’m slightly depressed. It’s my husband’s hometown and he has a vast network of family and friends. I’m glad to have my foot in the door that way, but it is extremely important to me to make new friends that are ours, not just me tagging along as the newbie & outsider. So in addition to the one car & introverted thing, now there’s the time demands of his existing network to compete with. I think I’m a little out of my league on this one! But I’m determined to find a way because I really want to be happy in my husband’s hometown for his and our kids’ sakes.

I’ve started keeping a list of ways/places I could try to meet people. But mostly I know it will be a matter of whether I try hard enough, long enough. Friendships take time.

Comment on On Finding Friends by Meg Morton

Meg Morton — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 02:46:48 +0000

It is really interesting to me to read that people had trouble making friends when they moved because of people being “from there.” I have felt this way constantly since our move to Beaver Falls. Many people from our church, for instance, are from this area. And, of course, attending Geneva as a student and then sticking around into adulthood (as several people seem to do) makes you “from here” in another way, with some of those key college relationships still in place. When people are “from here” I think that they tend to already have key relationships, even if it is with family nearby. Maybe *especially* with family nearby. When you move to a new place, you have a double whammy–away from friends, but also away from those “given” family relationships. I think it is also hard (for me) to put in the work of forming friendships as a working mom–when I’m not “at work” I want to be fully “at home” with my son. And, of course, there is always something to do, so I can find it hard to justify a playdate or going to get a cup of coffee when I think that I ought to be running errands or grading essays or cleaning house. I can long for deeper friendships, but be lax about really pursuing people. Alicia’s comments are encouraging to me here; hearing about other women who have to intentionally pursue relationships after a big move makes me realize that this is just a fact of life, not a commentary on how likable I am. (Isn’t it easy to always imagine that people are off having fun together without you?)

Comment on On Finding Friends by Alicia

Alicia — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 23:39:09 +0000

That’s very true. I suppose if one can accept that you just need to take the reins more, knowing your friends will gladly come along, then it can work well. I just chatted with one of these newer friends today and she commented about she’s never the one to ask but loves doing stuff with her friends. I had been wanting to get coffee with her lately so I mentioned it, and we set a date for Wednesday. Something I realized is if the friends don’t care that much, then they’d likely come across as uncommitted and vague about getting together, but a friend who wants to see you will say something along the lines of, “sure, let’s do that! When?”

Comment on On Finding Friends by Alicia

Alicia — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 23:36:34 +0000

I thought that was a good quote too and it makes me a little sad. And it also makes me appreciate the friends who do know those years of mine and it encourages me to keep contact with them, however infrequent. I also have this sense of “this is your current season of life and you have years ahead of you with your new friends to make new memories.” Kinda cool while mixed with nostalgia.

A side topic but one that applies well is a book I’m reading for the ladies group at church, Becoming A Woman of Influence by Carol Kent. The thrust of the book is becoming a mentor, but in the chapter on asking questions, she listed many good questions that I found appropriate to ask friends (in the right setting) to know them better. Some require a level of trust and unspoken understanding that we can lovingly inquire into each others lives. Some of them are:

What are the five most important things in your life?
What stress point are you experiencing that you would like to eliminate?
What one thing would you like to change about your body?
What one thing would you like to see change in your spiritual life?
What were your expectations when you got married?
What were your expectations when you had your first baby?
What were your growing up years like?
What is your favorite old movie?
How did your family celebrate Christmas?
What kind of music do you like?

Comment on On Finding Friends by Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind

Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 21:58:35 +0000

I think the problem of people not knowing us in the most formative years of our lives is problematic for friendships. The author concludes that sometimes those stories and understanding of motivations can come out organically over time with newer friends, and that may be true. I feel like in my case, very few people here really understand me because they didn’t know me before I was married and living in Indiana, and so things I do and say seem out of nowhere sometimes, or they think I’m different than I actually am. Case in point: in the recent weeks a couple of people have commented that I’m “so reserved” and a few people noticed Hannah being silly and ebullient and remarked that it’s strange she’s like that since I’m not! That sort of shocked me because I don’t think anyone in college would have described me as reserved and I can be quite silly and fun in the right circumstances. I have found it difficult to navigate the mommy definition because I don’t have much to talk about at playgroups or whatnot and I never know if people are really interested in topics other than potty training or parenting. I mean, I like to talk about parenting, but it’s not exactly my only interest.

Anyway, you are absolutely right about having to just call people up and make the effort. This book reminded me that I need to do more of that, even if I am busy.