A Spirited Mind » Mothering

Simplicity Parenting

Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind — Mon, 14 May 2012 09:00:55 +0000

Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids invites readers to consider the ways in which our fast-paced and consumer lifestyles impact our children and offers solutions for calming, decluttering, and building relationships in our families.

First, I think the authors have good insight into what family life looks like in the modern West. Although we have made some countercultural choices in our family (limiting screen time and requiring daily rest time are the ones people usually find weirdest) I have felt increasingly uncomfortable with how much hurrying we do and how the adult stress my husband and I have bleeds over into our kids’ atmosphere. I appreciated how the book described the ways that the pace of modern life impacts children, and yet didn’t advocate impossible solutions.

As an education consultant and family counselor the main author, Kim John Payne, works with schools and parents who have to be part of the 21st century, and suggests realistic ways that even the most chaotic families can simplify, calm things down, and be more nurturing. I think it’s easy to assume that if you’re not willing or able to go all Little House on the Prairie, you can’t have a simple life, or to think that if you have two working parents or multiple kids or what have you, that you’re stuck with a frantic life. Simplicity Parenting does a great job of breaking through those assumptions and offering hope and concrete steps for how to have a calmer, happier, more secure family.

I thought the section on toys and books was illuminating. I’ve noticed that my kids get stressed out when their stuff is piled everywhere and, as a friend of mine once noted on her blog “it looks like a Melissa and Doug bomb went off” – at that point it’s like pulling teeth to get them to clean up, they get overly possessive of certain toys, or they become careless and break things. The book points out how having too much stuff out causes kids stress (clutter stresses adults out too, but its effect is more pronounced in children) and what that looks like. I found it very helpful to read about some common kid behaviors and realize they are caused by stress, and that you can reduce or remove the bad behavior by reducing the stress. The author suggests rotating out toys so that you only have as many out as your child can clean up, by himself, in five minutes. This is calming to children, gives them a sense of control, and allows them to play more freely and imaginatively. But wow, that sounds like a big purge right? Five minute clean-up??? The author suggests that the average kid should have the visible toys reduced by at least 75%, and possibly more. You’ll probably also appreciate (or at least find interesting) the list of types of toys that you should keep, and why, from a child development perspective, they are better choices.

I was also greatly helped by the section on how parents’ emotions impact children. There often isn’t much parents can do about major sources of stress (although the author does make some suggestions, again, of the practical sort, not the quit-your-job-and-live-in-a-yurt sort) but there are things you can do to make your home more peaceful and calm. Boy, could we ever use more “peaceful and calm” around here! Many of the suggestions are easy to implement, such as giving children previews of what is coming next, involving them in dinner preparation, and using candlelight at dinner, but surprisingly effective.

I got quite a bit out of Simplicity Parenting and would highly recommend it. As the author writes, “every stage of a family’s evolution can beneft from a little more space and grace, a little less speed and clutter.” What are some areas you find most stress-inducing in your family’s day, and where do you feel like you’re most in need of simplicity?

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links.

What Chores Do You Give Your Kids, and a Giveaway Winner

Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 18:59:39 +0000

Thanks to all who entered last week’s Mean Mom’s Rule Giveaway. The winner (I always choose giveaway winners using random.org, just so you know) is Sheila. I thought her comment was interesting:

I’ve been making my son sort-of do chores since he was about 18 months old – much to the surprise of some family & friends. But he actually loves “helping” (even when he isn’t really much help), and it’s getting him in the habit. He started with emptying the silverware container in the dishwasher, and bringing the items to me to put into the drawer, and we’ve added small tasks as he’s able.

I’m always wondering if the chores I assign my kids are too much, too little, or age appropriate. For example, my kids (6,almost 5, 3) dust, set the table, sort laundry, and pick up with varying degrees of success. Hannah also unloads the dishwasher, with some help from the other two. And they all use the dust buster as needed and Hannah can vacuum with help. Are there other normal chores I’m overlooking?

What sorts of chores do your kids do? How do you decide what is age appropriate and worth the time it takes you?

Sheila, send me your address and I’ll pass it along to the publisher so you can get your copy of the book!

Mean Moms Rule Review and Giveaway

Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 09:00:09 +0000

In her book Mean Moms Rule: Why Doing the Hard Stuff Now Creates Good Kids Later Denise Schipani writes about how parenting has changed between her mother’s generation and her own and how she attempts to do hard things as a parent even when it makes other parents call her mean.

In spite of the title, the book does not take the regrettable tone you sometimes here online or in real life of “I’m such a bad person! I’m such a bad mom! I’m such a mean mom!” when the person saying so doesn’t really think any such thing. The title rather refers to the way that Schipani feels like other parents regard her when she raises her children differently than the norm.

The ideas Schipani presents aren’t actually that mean. If you think it’s “mean” to say no to your children occasionally, refuse to let them grow up too fast, or to resist the urge to helicopter parent then I suppose the book would seem aptly named to you, but to me the ideas presented in the book were common sense.

The book is organized around ten “mean mom manifestos”:

It’s not about you, it’s about them (that is, the kids are not your “project” or your chance to relive your childhood).
Hang on to yourself (don’t let your whole life revolve around your kids even if they are your full-time job – it doesn’t do you or them any favors to think they are the center of the universe).
Start as you mean to go on (think about how you want your kids to turn out and set your rules and priorities accordingly).
Don’t follow the parenting pack (other parents like to be judgey about how you feed, diaper, and discipline your kids, but you need to do what works for you and your family goals – don’t do things just because the other parents are doing it).
Take control (be the parent in the scenario).
Say no. Smile. Don’t apologize. (you can say no without turning into a scrooge).
Teach them life skills (prepare your kids for real life tasks like cleaning bathrooms, cooking, and doing laundry – even if you regularly outsource those things your kids may not always be able to).
Slow it down (be careful about schedules, outfits, when you let them have new technology, etc – not to be a Luddite, but to be thoughtful).
Fail your child, a little bit, every day (allow your child to fail so he can learn to grow).
Prepare them for the world, not the world for them (keep the end game in mind).

I think Schipani is right about the changes in parenting culture – the tendency to compare ourselves to others is much easier now that we have the internet, and it can be difficult to resist the feeling that we need to keep up with what everyone else seems to be doing. Mean Moms Rule is a good reminder that we can be reasonable in our parenting.

The publisher has graciously offered a giveaway book for one A Spirited Mind reader. If you’d like to win a copy of Mean Moms Rule, leave a comment and tell us about a way you don’t follow the “parenting pack.”

The giveaway will be open through next Friday, April 20. Good luck!

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. The publisher sent me a review copy of the book, but the opinions in the review are my own.

Bringing Up Bebe

Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 09:00:25 +0000

If you’re like me, you may be a little skeptical about one more parenting book claiming the superiority of one nationality over another. But, if you’re like me, you will be pleasantly surprised by Pamela Druckerman’s book Bringing Up Bebe.

Druckerman, a New Yorker, moved to Paris to marry her husband, an Englishman who grew up in Holland. In the course of time she has a baby and begins to notice the striking differences between how French mothers think, act, and parent and how American mothers do things. Rather than setting out to see which was superior, Druckerman observes the cultures and points out ways that the French ideas she picked up might be helpful to other parents.

I was interested to note how traditional French parenting is. My guess is that most of our grandparents were raised more like these French kids than like the overprotected, helicopter-parented kids of today. Emphasis on parental authority, having manners, eating a wide variety of foods, and not being the center of the universe are things I think any American parent could stand to learn more about. Things American parents boast about like how little sleep they get, how much they have given up their personal lives for their children, and the like are viewed as horrifying by the French. Then again there are some things that Americans take for granted, such as the health benefits of breastfeeding, that French culture hasn’t adopted in spite of scientific evidence.

Likewise some parenting methods I employ, partially because I had three kids under age three at one point and you have to survive somehow, and partially because I have a strong sense of needing my own intellectual outlets, are common in France but have garnered me strong negative reactions in the US. At times while reading the book I thought “perhaps we should move to Paris.”

Throughout the book Druckerman is interesting and informative, maintains an engaging and intelligent writing style, and gives a great sense of what being a young mother in Paris is like. I highly enjoyed it, and took notes on a few things I plan to try on my children (poor guinea pigs that they are). I had been thinking of starting the kids in French next fall, and now I really think I will, if only so that I can incorporate terms like sois sage and c’est moi qui decide into my parlance!

If you’re a parent or considering becoming one, or if you enjoy cross-cultural narratives and sociology topics, you’d probably really like Bringing Up Bebe. Let me know what you think if you read it!

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links.

Balancing Mastery and Exploration, Plus a Giveaway Winner

Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 09:00:52 +0000

In my post reviewing It’s a Big World, Little Pig I asked for suggestions about how to balance teaching your children to practice and work hard at a new task with allowing them to try new things.

I find this a tough question in parenting. Some families thrive on having each kid in several different activities, but I don’t think that will ever be us, and so the question of how much exploration to support looms larger.

Since music is important to us as a family, we currently have Hannah in piano lessons. Jack has been clamoring to learn the cello (and sometimes also the violin) for nearly a year now, but the only cello teacher we found for young kids teaches about 45 minutes away from our house, so we decided to wait on that. We’ve taken a stab at soccer, the girls have taken ballet, and now I’m pondering swimming lessons. But how hard should I make the kids work at their sport, music, or other lesson? How long should they take it before they decide it’s not for them?

On one hand, I think Amy Chua (the Tiger Mom) is correct that you can’t really enjoy something until you’re good at it, and I’ve wrestled with my own Tiger Mom tendencies. But on the other hand, chances are my kid is not going to be the next Mia Hamm or the next Peyton Manning or the next Yo-Yo Ma. Of course if you sense that your child is a prodigy you should foster that, but for most of us that won’t be the case. What then?

I suppose my conclusion, at least at this point, is that I should be clear about my goals and expectations when we sign the child up for whatever sport or lesson we’re choosing. We learn music because it’s a valuable discipline and it’s a lifelong source of enjoyment. We learn sports to foster good habits of fitness and teamwork. We try ballet to develop grace and poise. Making these goals clear to myself helps me know when to muzzle my inner tiger and when to encourage the child to practice rather than giving up. Making the goals clear to the child at least theoretically might help perfectionist tendencies, fear of failure, or cast a vision for why they are working hard.

I say theoretically because the oldest kid in question just turned six and therefore we have no results to show for ourselves. This is just what I’m thinking at the moment and, as always, it’s liable to change!

Those are my conclusions at the moment, but I’m interested to hear about yours. Do you handle practicing and exploring activities differently at your house?

Finally, before I forget, the winner of the giveaway book is Kelly Wood! Email me your address and I’ll get the book in the mail to you right away!

Challenging Assumptions About Children

Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 09:00:12 +0000

In their surprising book NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children, Po Bronson and Ashley Marryman examine the latest studies and findings about child development, and summarize in a highly readable fashion how many of our assumptions about how children grow and learn are incorrect.

While the book is not actually very prescriptive, it is thought provoking to consider how we parent in light of research. Obviously studies and experiments can cause people to do the pendulum swing from one extreme to another, but at the same time I think it’s wise to study children if you want to be a good parent, and to thoughtfully examine our assumptions. Although at first I wished the authors would include more suggestions for what to do now that our assumptions are turned on their heads, in the end I appreciated the lack of application, because it forces the reader to do their own thinking and draw their own conclusions. Since different families have different values and priorities, I can see how different parents would use this research to work out different types of solutions.

NurtureShock covers the following topics:

Praise - Neurobiology suggests that children are actually negatively affected by the wrong types of praise.
Sleep - Adults can get by with sleep deprivation, but even one lost hour costs children IQ points, emotional and physical health, and causes ADHD.
Racism - Why well-meaning white parents and educators inadvertently fail to counter racism, and how black parents can be successful in teaching their children to overcome it.
Lying - How the usual strategies to counteract lying actually foster it.
Intelligence Testing - Why testing for giftedness should not be a one-time shot, and why the tests are wrong 73% of the time for kids under 3rd grade.
Sibling Rivalry - Why kids fight, and why you shouldn’t worry about it as long as they also play together.
Rebellion - Why teens argue with their parents and how that can actually be a constructive thing.
Self-Control - Why this habit is so important to social and academic success.
Friends - Why kids aren’t nice sometimes, and when not to worry.
Language Development - How gimmicks like Baby Einstein are actually counterproductive, and what really works.

I learned a lot from this book and found it to be an excellent source of thoughtful conversations with my husband. I think it would be a great book to read as a couple, or for a parenting group or book club (if your book club is mostly parents or teachers).

If you’re a parent, what sorts of ideas did you start out with that experience debunked?

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links.

I Don’t Know How She Does It

Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 10:00:45 +0000

Imagine that Bridget Jones grew up and instead of being concerned with weight loss and men, she was concerned with trying to be a hedge fund manager and supermom to two kids. That pretty much encapsulates I Don’t Know How She Does it .

Don’t get me wrong, I do like funny over-the-top British chick lit every now and then, but as I read this book I found myself wondering if the author was doing mothers any favors by sensationalizing the challenges they face. It reinforces the idea that EITHER you can be a successful career woman (defined in this book as having a 100 hour a week job, traveling internationally every few days, and never, ever sleeping) OR a successful mother (defined in this book as making homemade jams and pies, being with your children every minute, and never, ever sleeping). I think that’s a false dichotomy. Most working moms don’t put in 100 hour weeks. Most stay at home moms don’t make jams and occasionally let their kids out of their sight. I’ll concede the sleep point.

I don’t know, I just felt like there was a lot of hyperbole in the book that overshadowed the chance to make really salient points about the challenges of being a modern mom (working or not). I wished that the author would have made it more difficult for the reader to take sides. I wish she had played up Kate’s background more as a motivation for why she works. I think she did a good job of showing that Kate loves her children but made it too easy for readers to say “oh well then she should quit her job.” At the end she tried to show Kate finding a way to be fulfilled as a mom and professionally, but it was such a small bit that it felt tacked on and rushed.

I don’t want to be too hard on the book – I did enjoy it in a fast-easy-read way, but I’m not sure if I would recommend it or not. I’ve heard that the movie was changed substantially because Americans parent differently and because when the book was written there were no internet accessible phones. So that will be sort of interesting to consider.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if this might not be a good book for a book club. It’s really really light, but there are a lot of interesting issues and questions to discuss about motherhood and expectations and society. So perhaps I’d recommend it if you have a group to chat with about it, and if your group is interested in those issues.

If you’ve read the book, what did you think about it?

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links.

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Find Your Strongest Life

Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 09:00:44 +0000

You know I love organizing and time management books, but here is why I loved this one:

“Not only is balance nigh on impossible to achieve, even if you did manage to achieve a perfect state of equilibrium it wouldn’t necessarily fulfill you anyway. There’s nothing inherently fulfilling about balance…when you are balanced you are stationary, holding your breath, trying not to let any sudden twitch or jerk pull you too far one way or the other…This precarious, motionless state is not worth striving for. It’s the wrong life goal. Strive for fullness instead. You don’t have five different selves you can keep separate. You have one life. One mind. One heart. Your challenge is to intentionally unbalance your life toward those few specific moments that will fill your one cup.”

In Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently, Marcus Buckingham argues convincingly that instead of chasing after some elusive idea of “balance,” we should identify our strengths and be discriminating, selective, and intentional in how we spend our time in our various roles to make sure that we’re bringing our best to every aspect of our lives.

Buckingham defines strong moments as those activities that make you feel effective and capable, where you feel flow, where the thought of getting to spend time on them or improve at them makes you feel excited and optimistic. Weak moments are the opposite. Weak moment activities make you feel panicked, incompetent, or numb.

I thought Buckingham’s application of those definitions to balance and time management were insightful. He points out that when you are working in your strengths, you don’t feel as crunched, but that no matter how good your time management is, if you’re filling up those boundaries with activities that don’t strengthen you, you’ll still feel off kilter.

Buckingham encourages readers to consider the roles they play in their lives: wife, mother, worker, volunteer, friend, daughter, and so forth, and think of the moments in that role where they feel they are in a strong moment, and conversely where they feel weak. What if, instead of forcing yourself into the weak moments just because you feel like you should, you focused on the strong moments? This would, theoretically, give you more energy to keep going with everything and also be a better way to fulfill the relationship.

For example, he writes about a mother who is a Motivator, and who loves to spend countless hours on the floor playing endless car crash games with her kids, but who really can’t stand to read to them. “It seems bad or socially unacceptable” Buckingham says, to say that you really hate reading to your kids, but what if instead of slogging through something you really can’t stand you let someone else read to the kids and instead focus on your own strengths as a mother? I think the kids would probably appreciate that. In my case it’s the other way around – I completely loathe crafts and pushing my kids on swings. There, I said it. But I love to read to them. What is a better memory for my kids – cranky mommy who goes to the playground out of duty or happy mommy who reads lovely stories?

Obviously in all areas of life there are things you don’t want to do that you have to do, but the point is that if you can deliberately tip your balance so that you make room for your strengths rather than doing things because you always have or your mother always did or you coworker does or whatnot, you’ll have more strength to give to those moments when you do have to push through.

So I really liked the idea of identifying strong moments and making sure that the best ME goes to each of my roles, rather than trying to fit myself into my preconceived notion of that role. I found it fairly easy to identify my strong points as a mom (because there aren’t that many to pick out so they were obvious) and it was freeing to allow myself to admit that I’m a better mom when I’m in those moments so try to maximize those and minimize areas where I’m not strong (and maybe let Daddy or grandparents or a babysitter take over for those!) It was harder to identify areas where I’m strong or weak in other roles, but I’ve been giving thought to it and trying to notice when I feel effective, capable, and excited (strong moment) and when I feel panic, incompetence, numbness (weak moment). It’s an interesting exercise once you get going.

I do not think that the author was decrying all weakness in life. Certainly there are areas where we need to work hard to mature, to improve, to change our attitude or outlook. But I think it’s foolish to seek out activities that make you feel panicked, incompetent, and numb over the long term. I think if you feel that way for a long time about something, you need to seriously question if you are in the right spot. God gifts us in different ways. In 1 Corinthians 12 Paul writes, “If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.”

I think it’s worthwhile to consider where you’re at your strongest because that is where you’ll be the most effective. Finding a weak moment doesn’t mean you run away from the role, it means you head toward a stronger moment within that role. I think it’s completely biblical to find out and understand your gifts and strengths that God gave you and use those to glorify Him in your home, your church, your community, and your world.

I really enjoyed the different perspective in Find Your Strongest Life, and how it was geared toward the specific ways the idea applies to women. The chapters on how to help your children identify their strengths and grow into their gifts were also illuminating. If you like books about life and time management, this one would be a thought-provoking addition to your reading list.

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links.

The Myth of the Perfect Mother

Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 09:00:59 +0000

Although I disagreed on certain points and emphases of Carla Barnhill’s book The Myth of the Perfect Mother: Rethinking the Spirituality of Women, overall I think she made some strong points that are often overlooked by Christian women.

I thought the strongest point in the book is Barnhill’s identification of the “shiny happy mommies” problem affecting the church. Because we feel like our worth or our faith are validated by having perfect families, it’s exceedingly difficult to be honest and vulnerable with other women, which keeps us from deep relationships and tempts us to make an idol of motherhood. Barnhill points out that a lot of Christian moms feel that “being a good mother means doing everything right, all the time, all alone. To ask for help, to admit to being worn down by motherhood and yearn for respite, to have prayed for God’s strength and wisdom and still feel inadequate, is the ultimate sign of failure.”

As a Christian mom, I could absolutely relate to that statement. Whether we impose it on ourselves or feel it imposed on us by our churches or other women, it’s there. You can tell by how often Christian moms (and probably other moms, but Christians take it to the next level by pinning our spirituality to it) feel like they have to apologize for their choices because they are, or are afraid of being, criticized. I’m not talking about actual sins, I’m talking about methods. In the past few months, I have personally made or heard apologies for decisions like working/not working, sending kids to public school, getting a babysitter so the couple can have a date night, why the mom let the kid eat a Happy Meal or watch TV, why the mom gets her hair highlighted or wears makeup, why she buys pre-made bread instead of baking her own, why she allows her daughter to paint her toenails…in other words, we are terrified that other people will think we are bad moms. Because honestly, they often do. And, if you blog, you get that feedback in writing via comments left on your blog by others who are supposedly Christians.

So yes, this book touched a nerve for me.

The book asserts that there is no perfect model for motherhood. It is a relationship not a job. As such, perfect children are not your success metric. Families are not an end in themselves. We should not look to motherhood to complete us or to validate who we are spiritually. Our families are a means of bringing about the kingdom of God, not the kingdom of us.

Another particular strength of the book is Barnhill’s exhortation to churches to really examine the ways they minister to women. Not all women are mothers, not all women are stay-at-home moms. Our “shiny happy mommy” facade does not attract people to Christ, and it makes it nearly impossible for us to minister to women who are in physical or emotional crisis. If you are involved in women’s ministry I think you would do well to think about those things, whether or not you read the book.

At times I thought the tone of the book was a little aggrieved, although I think perhaps it was necessary to offer the “snap out of it” effect. As I mentioned in the first sentence of this review, I don’t agree with the author on all of her points or emphases. However, I did find The Myth of the Perfect Mother helpful and thought-provoking, and I would recommend it.

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links.

Celebrating with Catechism

Catherine Gillespie@A Spirited Mind — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 09:00:56 +0000

The title of Leigh Bortins’s book, Echo in Celebration, is taken from the English meaning of catechesis, the word from which we get “catechism.” A catechism is a body of knowledge memorized and recited – most often a set of questions and answers about theological beliefs, but also referring to any set of information you memorize and repeat often.

Many people have a negative view of catechism – they see it as meaningless rote memorization and think of kids reciting endless reams of uninspired facts in monotone voices, with all light of joy in learning stripped from their sad, meager little lives. I think that sort of thing only happens when the parents or teachers aren’t excited about what they are teaching. If you’re deeply grateful for God’s sovereignty and love for you, if you’re amazed by how logical and cool math is, if you’re fascinated by the twists and turns of history, your kids will pick up on that and their lives will be broader and deeper, not restricted.

When we teach our children the catechism, we are teaching them wonderful truths about God and we are showing them how all of life hangs together in God’s plan. When we help them memorize history or math facts or foreign languages, we are giving them the tools to build connections and have their own great ideas. If the parents are excited about what they are helping children memorize, the kids get excited too, and then it really is an echo in celebration!

Like any habit, memorizing gets easier the more you do it. Our kids have been memorizing since they learned to talk so it goes pretty smoothly. We’ve learned the first 80 questions and answers of the Children’s Catechism, we’ve memorized lots of poems (right now we’re learning “Rebecca Who Slammed Doors For Fun And Perished Miserably” which has the added advantage of being a great incentive to gentle door handling!), we’ve learned long Bible passages, and we memorize other stuff as it comes up. Next year we’re planning to join a co-op that includes learning a history timeline and memorizing helpful information about science, math, and grammar.

As with most things in life and parenting, catechism is not a hard and fast rule. It fits with some families and not with others. But in general I think catechizing, done with joy and excitement, can be a great tool for “echoing in celebration” together.