Woman in a fur coat: Is this purse real leather?
Me: I’m fairly certain that it is, because it matches these pumps and they are leather, but I don’t want to misspeak so let me just check the label for you.
Woman in a fur coat: Oh! Are you from England?
Me: Um, no.
Me (thinking): What??? Do English people say y’all nowadays?
Me: I think that woman is money laundering.
Coworker: What? Why?
Me: She had to show her ID to get a cash refund, and I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the state of Georgia doesn’t issue many licenses to people from “Attalanta.”
Coworker: Seriously??? If you’re going to get a fake ID, wouldn’t you at least spell check it?
Me: I hope they gave her a discount.
You know how cats can sense it when a person hates cats, and the cat makes a beeline for that person? I think that store music players have begun to sense my deep and abiding abhorrence for “Santa Baby.” Seriously EVERY time I enter a place of business I hear that song. It even happened in one shop I was only in for 2 minutes! I ran out screaming. Just kidding, I didn’t. But I was tempted to. And just when I thought the breathy vixen version of the song was bad, I started hearing a guy cover it. That’s almost worse.
When I get a song stuck in my head, I often sing little snatches of it as I go about my day. Then the kids get the songs stuck in their heads and we pass the thing around like a nasty cold. The other day I overheard Jack singing “Baby, dey’s a SHAH-K in da WAH-tah!” I don’t even know who sings that song or what it’s about, but it was pretty funny to hear Jack singing about sharks in the water. When Hannah hears us sing the shark song, for some reason it inspires her to start singing “Benny and the Jets….BENNEH!….Benny and the Jets.” Yes, I’m raising weird kids. What did you expect?