There’s a Hole in My Bathtub, Dear Liza, Dear Liza

So yesterday I was scrubbing the tub in the master bathroom, and I noticed an irregularly shaped spot about the size of a pencil eraser about two inches from the tub floor. I scrubbed at it over and over, to no avail. Finally I ran my hand over it trying to figure out what it was, only to find, to my utter surprise, that it was not a spot after all, but rather a HOLE.

We cannot for the lives of us figure out what caused the hole. We haven’t been wielding ungainly instruments in the tub, we haven’t washed the dog (although heaven knows she needs it), and we haven’t been tilting at the tub with sharpened jousting lances.

If I didn’t know better, I would guess that the designers of our el cheapo one piece bathtub/shower thing programmed it to self-destruct after three years of use. I can picture them sitting around a ricketty card table in a dark dripping basement, wearing polyester suits and sporting greasy comb-overs, congratulating themselves on their fiendish acts of sabotage. “Hey Morty,” one says with a gravelly Italian accent, “Good work on the el cheapo tubs. I would never have thought of programming that little piece to fall out after a mere three years of use. You are an evil genius. Heh.”

Now I’m wondering if we can take baths in that tub, or will the water go through the hole and cause the ceiling to break, sending the unlucky bather slip-sliding into our newly organized garage? Could we patch the hole with something? My first thought was duct-tape, but I am not that ghetto. Are we going to have to replace the whole dadgum bathtub????

If we do have to replace the tub at some point, I would like to turn the old tub into a sofa, like this one. That takes recycling to a “‘Hole ‘Notha’ Level” as they say!

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