When I become Queen of America, my first order of business will be to implement what shall go down in the annals as “The Grocery Reforms.” I will not force regular grocery stores to close, but I will establish a new chain, of which I will be principal owner, called Hannah’s Ultimate Grocery Experience (HUGE). “Making a HUGE difference in the way you shop” will be the slogan. Slogan subject to tinkering as needed. The rules of HUGE are simple. Follow them and you will enjoy lower prices, greater efficiency, and all around lack of consternation and frustration at the grocery store. Break them, and you will find yourself banned. BANNNNNNNNED FOR LIIIIIIIIFFFFE! Ahem.
Hey, banning is not that bad, considering that as Queen I would be well within my rights to chop off your head for any offense real or imagined. Yeah, I said it, what?
HUGE Customer Rules:
1) No lollygagging in the middle of the aisle to chat with your pals. Take your chatting elsewhere, like to the friendly cafe I own next door! Chatting is great, but not if you’re blocking the whole aisle and preventing everyone else from getting to the spaghetti.
2) No circumventing the limits on sale prices. Buyers of 15 gallons of milk when three is the limit, this means you!
3) No paying by check. Cash, credit or debit only, because paying by check takes a great deal of time and the people behind you have better things to do with their lives.
HUGE Employee Rules:
1) Do not hide the blueberries.
2) Prospective cashiers must pass a timed test in which they shall be judged on accuracy, time, and maintaining pleasant demeanor. Cashiers who dilly-dally and are inefficient shall be sacked.
3) At no time is a cashier to stop in order to tell a customer that she thinks her best friend’s boyfriend is cheating on her best friend with her best friend’s cousin. Yes, I really overheard that in real life one time!
4) If at any time there are more than two people in a given line, another lane shall be opened at once.
HUGE is going to be, well, huge. It will meet all of your shopping needs, including the very lowest prices, bulk foods, organic foods, free range meats, and not a lot of space wasted on 73 different types of bottled water or 106 varieties of toilet brushes. Also, you will not have to walk to the opposite side of the store to buy shampoo like you have to do at Meijer now. It’s going to be so rad when I am Queen!