If the Olympics Were Really Hardcore

As I have apparently offended scores of faithful friends and readers, I feel I should set the record straight regarding my anti-Olympics-ism. My objection is NOT to random heretofore unheard of sports, but rather to the showing of scads of qualifying heats and cheesy vignettes (“Now here’s a guy who came to this Olympics to WIN” – No WAY, he came to WIN?????? Seriously????) Anyway, I wouldn’t mind if they wanted to broadcast the ACTUAL RACES, but I do get annoyed when one of the only two television shows I watch gets bumped in favor of qualifying heats.

Furthermore, if they are going to have all these new sports, they ought to make them really interesting and hardcore. None of this weak-sauce sporting. For example, instead of the snowboard cross whatever, they should have had the XTreme Quadrathalon. The XTreme Quadrathalon (which I have just now invented, you read it here first!) involves a four-way snowboard race, like the snowboard cross whatever, but the snowboarders have shotguns with them, and as they zoom down the course, they not only have to shove each other out of the way, but they also gain points by shooting at a series of twelve targets placed along the course. After the snowboard coarse, contestants strip down to their bathing suits and swim 100 yards in the Polar Bear Club part of the race. For the uninitiated, the Polar Bear Club is when you swim in frigid water with snow all around etc. I have done it, but that is a tale for another post! It’s wicked cold though! But builds character! Anyway, after climbing out of the frigid water, contestants mount bicycles which have the wheels affixed to single skis, much like the ones the Beatles rode in their movie “Help” which is an excellent film. Right, so the constestants are on these ski-bicycles and have to go down a slope. At the bottom, they put their snowboard back on, and have to make it to the top of the bunny slope without the lift, just hopping sideways like monopods. At the top, they must snowboard to the bottom of the slope, but backwards.

And that is the XTreme Quadrathalon. They can bump The Office for it if they please, but just the actual race, not the qualifiers. 🙂

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